Track 6 - Ahead By a Century - The Tragically Hip "The Vessel"
“And that’s where the hornet stung me and I had a feverish dream”
I was stuck in behind a streetcar on the way to the studio that unusually hot September day, the windows rolled down because my beat up old Honda Civic, a hand-me-down from mom, had rattled some features off over the years. AC was one of the first to go. I was in no rush myself but I was in a pensive cloud, digesting some of the words my mother spoke to me just the weekend before. All at once, the words she spoke, the weight of her dreams and a new understanding of her life hit me like a head on collision... As if I absorbed her memories through her old steering wheel. Simultaneously I felt the weight of her heart and the insurmountable abundance of her love. I had known for some time and accepted that my mother was no super hero, she was a human being with quirks, pains, aches and wasn’t always right. But in that moment, looking back on all that she had said, understanding all she had felt, I realized, while she might not have a weakness for krypontie, her strength was super-human. Also, her music preferences were on point.
I don’t think anyone trusted my driving before. I never really had to do it. I always had my license, there’s no way to get around in a small sprawled city like Brantford Ontario without having one but I never had the reason to drive. Being the youngest I always hitched a ride after losing rock paper sizers for car priority and having the same boyfriend since I was 16, one who was a bit of a control freak and made me sign a waiver to never ever drive his car ever... Resources were slim. Once I moved to the big city I found even less reason to drive. Biking is the norm here, it’s good for you and good for the planet, win - freekin’ win. I never really had to worry about how everyone else out there seemed worried when my hands were on 10 and 2.
“Stare in the morning shroud and the day begain...”
So, something strange happened when I broke up with the big X. Mom all of a sudden became obsessed with me driving. She did everything in her power to convince her hubby, ED, my Step Dad, that he needed a new car and that he should give her his old one. Through the system I would end up with mom’s old beater, Betsie, as she so properly named her.
A 2002 Honda Civic the colour of flat champaign.
As part of the package, she forced me to sit down and watch numerous driving video’s online, unaware that not only had I seen all these video’s when I was 16 and passed my driving test, but also, as a production coordinator it was often my job to drive rental cars around the city, something a lot more intimidating than driving the streets of where I grew up. But, alas, with a free car on the line, I was down to do just about anything.
“First thing, we’d climb a tree...”
I still remember that first time I drove back to Toronto with Betsie, the roar of her abused engine sent all those good vibrations racing through my system. An independence I never knew I needed. The window’s were down and the vibes were incredible. It must have been all that time when people were worried about me driving that they were just worried I’d never come back, because on that small trip in Betsie, I was scared even myself. I didn’t want it to stop.
“You are ahead by a century”.
My assumption was that Mom got me the car was so I could come home and visit all the time, no longer was I reliant on my partner for those trips. So...The next weekend I took a drive back to see mom to show her all the gratitude... Well, it was a mix of that, and I was itching for another ride in that car, to feel that sweet freedom and wind in my long hair. It was a real thrill, and you bet your ass the playlist I made was killer.
“...and maybe then we’d talk or sit silently”
When I got home, mom found herself a little surprised and , classic mom, a little misty eyed to see me so soon. In my usual high energy excitable self I regaled her the tale of my little spout with independence, the feeling of the road underneath me and how I felt like me and Betsie really bonded.
She got even more choked up... I tried to comfort her, it was alright, it wasn’t a big deal or anything... That was when Mom told me the real reason she handed the keys over to me.
“Disappointing you is gettin’ me down...”
My mom left my Dad when I was little, don’t feel bad, all of us kids ended up in much better shape than if they had of stayed together. Being apart gave my parents the opportunity to be their wonderful quirky selves but staying in a loveless marriage? That would have broken both of them and then we wouldn’t all be the wonderful wacky fam jam we currently are. Both parents are cool with each other now too, it’s wonderful.
“Rain falls in real time...”
It obviously took some steam outta Mom, making that decision to leave, especially with the daunting task of having to raise 4 friggen kids. These kids... we were her life. As I had learned earlier that summer, my mother was originally aspiring to be a nurse. Without even taking a breath, as if it all were the same thought she said to me “I never did because I decided to be a mom instead”. That was her decision and that’s what she dedicated her life to. Trust me, she’s a fucking great Mom! I’m so happy and fortunate that she did that... but there is this sadness underneath that, in the lack of pause or afterthought. As if that was all she could do. My mom, if you’ve ever met her before, she’s A LOT more than just that. She’s not ‘Just’ anything. But that was part of the world. That was part of what was laid out for her.
“You’re ahead by a Century...”
I won't sugar coat it, during her time as a single mother, it wasn’t always glamorous. There were nights where she would come home from a long work day to 4 screaming hyperactive kids, and I remember her going to her room, closing the door and crying. In those days I saw my mom’s humanity. I saw through her super mom abilities but even then I could sympathize with the situation.
Mom told me, that one afternoon, this exceptional thing that happened to her while driving home from work. This was years after she left my Dad. That long stretch of the highway, that one she knew as part of her daily commute, the one of which never seemed extra ordinary... this one particular afternoon however, The Tragically Hip came on the radio. They are one of her favourite bands. It was, as expected, Ahead by a Century. She said, for the hundreds of times she heard that song, that one time, on that specific stretch of road in that specific car, she felt the words like she had never felt them before. She understood like she had never understood them before.
“Tonight we smoke them out...”
It was the moment that all her decisions made sense. She realized she got not only what she bargained for, but that it was exactly what she wanted. Through all the tears, the years, through all the hardship and hardwork, she finally had it. No dress rehearsals, this was our life. This was her freedom.
“I tilted your cloud, you tilted my hand...”
She wanted me to feel that same level of independence that she felt in that moment. She wanted me to know that everything was going to be ok. Those misty eye’s looked back at mine, the tears catching on like wildfire.
It’s hard to imagine your parents as anything other than stoic, but in my mothers ability to be vulnerable I learned a lot about myself, a lot about life, a lot about the merit in being alone, a lot about finding yourself and a lot about the Tragically Hip. As much as she gave me the vessel to take this trip, to go out there and search for more, I have to dedicate this quest to her and Betsie. This strong backbone my mother birthed me, The way I carry myself tall, that's from watching her.
In that moment on Dundas West, tears in my eyes and the words to the tragically hip rolling off my tongue, I didn’t mind the vulnerability. And after it all, I finally saw and understood my mothers super human strength.
“With illusions of someday cast in a golden light, no dress rehearsal, this is our life”
Every other story leading up to this point in the journey all came from my brain. This one, this story, this car, my mother, they’re at the heart of it.
If you wanna see the soul of this journey? That one is savoured for the last track.