Things had been different after travelling half way across Canada this summer, searching the stars for some piece of soul. I learned how to let go of a lot of stuff, up in the mountains, not completely free of some sticky residue of what remained. But I tried.
One of the thoughts I thought, in regards to trying to move on, was a foolish idea of slowing down.
All the art, all the work, all the socializing and all the family events.
Yet, the pace of life didn't change... all that happened was an awareness to how much I was doing. The ball that was rolling in 2018 was likening itself to a wrecking ball that screamed as it crashed into any and everything in it's path... subtext - leave no opportunity wasted.
And that was a heavy weight, taking every opportunity, and as expected, it left me feeling incredibly off balance. It was like I was a cartoon character in a constant state of fumbling but never actually falling. Slapstick at it's finest.
I felt like I was managing, just barely so, to fumble and stumble the entire way through 2018, miraculously landing on my feet. No matter how hard I tried, especially after my trip, I never found the grace of a good and even 2018 stride
. But... I did it... all of it!
I guess that explains , on some subconscious level, why I got so belligerent on NYE. The last day of 2018 - feeling a lot like that, the last day of the year rather than the start of a brand spakin' new one. Very unlike last year! The booze seemed to manifest physically, so as I stumbled down the halls of my best friends apartment, I stumbled across that yearly finish line. While everyone boasted and gloated on their amazing years, I wasn't coherent enough to even understand what this all meant. The end of 2018.
Boose-ie n' blues-ie.
What a start to 2019 for the girl who journals everything - A day that's a complete write off.
Earlier that week I scattered through the pages of the past, the words, thoughts, pictures in books, decorating the bottom of my shelf. For the first time, in a long time, those pages had a strange 2D quality to them. So far behind, those memories and their realities so hazy, rather than teleport me to a place and time, I found myself just looking at pen on paper.
With some new and exciting happiness and projects on the horizon, I felt like there was nothing in those pages that I could use any more. There was a time when I needed that daily reminder, where I came from, all I had to push through, in order to keep my chin up. But hey, all the repetition of those affirmations and mantra's led to some outstanding habitual behaviour of, writing, creating and searching for more. What I'm siting on right now, it's a lot more than I've ever had. So why look back? Nothing to see now except for excuses!
I dusted off what time had collected on the tops of those books and, without thinking, packed them up to bring them home to my parents house over the holidays. It was time, I knew it! I was finally ready to sign off on that chapter of my life.
But was I ready to start the new one?
As the sun pierced through the small crack in the black out curtains at his place - the only portal we have to the outside world, the rude beams of light being a reminder of the time, I squinted, feeling harassed and embarrassed by the end of 2018. All that Fumblin' and Stumblin'.
The end of an era that was near the end of me.
As I packed up my gatherings and unpacked my reserve of strength, I walked home. The world around me was too cool and too calm for my scowl of a face. I took a deep breath to settle my stomach and a second one to settle my spirit.
Since the days are short and I had wasted much of this, the first of January, the sun was already setting in the sky, leaving cotton candy like clouds cascading across the horizon between the shades of soft pink and muted blue. It was all sweet on my bitter brain.
Side smirking I took a third breath, this one I felt in the deep caverns of my lungs, and it felt as if it were my very first full breath in a long time. No doubt, the first of the year.
Shoulders released their tension and I felt grounded. I watched every step on that sidewalk, some semblance of an awkward stride forming, noting each foot step was bringing me closer and closer to that new book.
The start, Page 1, Day 1.